Loooook into the Flame!

Flame open eye meditation/ trance:

Back in our ritual room, were instructed to sit still in front of our small flame, fed by sesame oil,

– to look into the flame.

– Un-blinking

– Focus!

The very air surrounding us and moving the flame is the air our Ancestors were breathing. There is no other.

– Focus!

– NO blinking,

– Even when tears start to flow……

I have no idea, if tears started to flow.

At some point the flickering light became the central fire in the large Clan Tzartan of my Ancestors……

.On the wide open Reindeer pastures of North Western Tuva……

stood at the fire.

I stood on my braids, which were sooooo long, they reached the floor.

Through them I was rooted to the land of my Ancestors.

One of the female Elders, Moon Child’s Auntie, was drumming right behind me.

There was a pot of Reindeer stew hanging on the wooden tripod over the flames. I was offered a plate and Es’ lahi fed me with a horn spoon…..

Tears of joy and happiness flowed down my cheeks!

I was HOME!

I was SOOOOO happy!

Then at the same time there was movement in the ritual room – and singing drifting in and out of the vision… Bhola and the group….

In and out…

I was at 2 places at the same time……

journey

Garuda – Journey of Pain

On one of our last days in Nepal Bhola wants us to experience what it is like to soar through the air like Garuda, the mystical Bird of the North and magical vehicle of Vishnu.

garuda 3

– I better post a link here, so you can find out a bit more who Garuda is:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Garuda

For this exercise we are to partner up with someone other than our life partner, arrange 2 chairs in such a way, that one person, being Garuda, is leaning far forward over the back rest of the chair in an angle while the other person being the journeyer, sits on another chair but leans way back so as to come to lay on top of Garuda’s back.

Devi and me pair up. Devi wants to be Garuda first. A bit uneasy we arrange our chairs and bodies as instructed. I come to lay right on Devi’s spine. It is not uncomfortable, but as Bhola starts to drum all that is filling my head is: “Oh Please!! do not let me hurt Devi!!!! Oh Please!! do not let me hurt Devi!!!! ….>>”

I am supposed to soar here, but that is all I can think…..

Normally I can journey in any situation; full stomach, empty one, on the floor, standing up, during ritual… never mind….

But always my concern for others comes FIRST!

But here I have to cut it out!!!

Devi will – most likely not crumble beneath my scrawny back and – she signed up for this – carrying a load – of bones – around for a while…

So, Mi-Shell, Stop it…

“Oh Please…. “

I see Lira sitting on the floor. But she has no feathers – not a one!

She looks like a freshly plucked Chicken – and she is all grayish brown – no colour….

Take a deep breath – even on the chance of crushing Devi to death and……

….look into the foggy grey sandstorm sky through which Devi, now a Laaaarge flat-beaked Chicken with remarkable looooong feathers is flying.

Rajasthan… sand storm – all brownish grey……

Breath in the sand that poor Devi/Garuda is breathing out.

It turns to greenish golden fields far below.

That’s better! See, what Devi sees…… Oh, how beautiful….. and private…..

The drum beat fades……..

Devi is still alive and well and, it seems to be, so am I….

Reason enough for Bhola to instruct us to “change roles”

Now I am supposed to be Garuda:

I lean far forward on the chair and Devi lays back on my back.

As the drum starts I spread my wings. I know, I am carrying a golden castle draped with lots of long silk scarves and wish I could find the colours. Again everything is just monochromatic greyish brown and cartoon-like.

The pain sets in.

I have a broken vertebra, that never quite healed and since a few years is dancing with arthritis…..

The pain sears into my legs, which twitch and one goes numb…..

“Come on, be a goooood Garuda for Devi!” it is just 10 minutes…..

The drum beat is not enough for me to maintain the trance. I need a better vehicle to push me through the pain. I will do, what I have always done….. ride away on the pain….

(… as a child, during the horrrrrrible beatings in the orphanage

…. in the dentist’s office, when I can not have the freezing…..

…. on … quite a few other situations……)

Ride the pain…..

Soar above it, with Huuuuuge wings of a white feathered Owl…..

“… NOT supposed to be an Owl but Garuda!!!!” 😦 

green Gruda 2

The feathers change back to monochromatic grey/ brown…… but then Lira, now again fully feathered, lands on my Garuda back behind Devi and digs her sharp claws into my Garuda back. Searing pain!!!! It shoots up like molten lava, spews up into my Garuda head – and turns the scenery below me and the segment of my right Garuda wing, that I can see, into a fantastic kaleidoscope of vibrant  succulent colours. A red golden sun glows above us,and alights  the green mountainous valleybelow…..

As the drum fades away the pain intensifies and the scene turns back to monochromatic greyish brown.

Later in the evening Peter asked me, what I thought of the journey. I told him and let him read my diary notes, that also make up most of this post

He told me, that he and his partner M. also only experienced  discomfort during this exercise and had no benefits other than quietly enduring it and waiting until it was over.

That is often the problem in workshops; People do not share, if/ when something does not work for them – because participants do not want to be the “odd person out” and it is seen as criticizing or dis-respecting the teacher…….

Puzzle Pieces:

 

I always tell the people that come for shamanic consultations as well as thouse I mentor, that I will try my best, to find one- or maybe a few of the puzzle pieces that are missing in the panorama of their lives – or from the very matrix of their Souls…..

I always hope to succeed, but there never is a guaranty, since i work and shamanize at the Power and behest of my Miahanits = Ancestor Guardians and Medicine nimals…..

But there are also times, when I myself am presented with puzzle pieces like these, treasured and lovingly integrated into the fabric of who and what I am.

And then there are times – like right now, – since Nepal, where it is raining puzzle pieces and I feel like a wet Wolf pub, overwhelmed by a storm.

I am fanatically trying to picking them all up – or at least try not to loose sight of too many, I am trying to remember how I fond them, so as not to forget their “story”

I am struggggeling to keep them “together”, never mind trying to properly fit them together. No, I am in no way shape or form “THERE”, where I am able to fit and integrate them into their rightful places, where they are supposed to go.

I should not even write about this here – yet.

It is all still unsorted, rough, scruffy and has neither beginning or is there an end in sight…..

So then I should just shut up – and delete this post!

Right?

Well, probably yes, but then again this – these writings here may just become the manuscript of “what is going on” right now, the “process” and iffff you guys read this, you get sort of a window seat to the event and wherever it may take me. Also, then maybe at some point you may recognize, when something similar happens to you – or a loved one or maybe a client…….

Soooooo where to start????????????????

Where is the beginning???????????????????

NO idea!!

You decide!

I will just write – and we can sort it all later……

feet

OK: First weird puzzle piece NO 1 – not because it IS the first one, no, just because it is the first one I will write down here:

Since mid summer 2013 – just when falling asleep – or sometimes when waking up, I “see” a young’ish lady (~~maybe late 30ish?? )in a turquoise dress – blond shoulder lengths hair standing in ???– the street of a city. Sometimes she is pregnant and sometimes not. I do not know, who that is…..

Soon after coming back from Nepal am making dinner and with half an ear listen to the TV Peter forgot to turn of after the news was done. We have only 1 canal out here and after the news there is the pesky “ entertainment show with Ben Mulroney, ex prime minister Brian Mulroney’s son…. By chance I look up and – there is “THAT LADY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I find out, her name is Uma Thurman and she is an actress……?

So what?????  I have NEVER seen her or any movies she was in…..

I told you, these were all weird puzzle pieces that did NOT make sense, didn’t I!!!!!

And – you have the choice to … just not read on…… 😉

It will probably take me 10 more blog posts to write them all down and then, you and I can see, how they all fit…..

At Home with my Nepali Drum :)

So, as you guys know, we are home now.

The drum currently resides right on top of our Family Altar. 

It now also has a White Swan feather……..

You will find out, why 🙂

The day after getting home we went to our Tree of Life and I took the drum along, to show it, where it lives now. Of course I played it and chanted….

Peter affixed one of our Nepali welcome scarves onto our Tree

DSCN3115 (864 x 1152)

Do not be fooled by the nice sunshine on the picture: it is – 4 centigrade.

I must say, I find it fascinating that a shaman, while in trance still can wield so much control over the rhythms he/she drums…..

My Spirits usually instruct how I drum and that again is dependant on what situation, what patient, what kind of problem they are dealing with – And yes, they are dealing with the problem, not me. I am GONE!!!!! I am not I!! Just some hollow bone – or bony rack …..;)

They do not keep me on a strict drumming schedule, although I know, certain “dealings” or “treatments”call for, go with certain rhythms and chants and that may be similar from patient to patient, but never a set formula.

Now of course I want to try this out!:)

Do the teachings of these rhythms “come through the drum into me, because, this is, how Nepali shamans do it?

But I am not Nepali and the Gods and Spirits i  am bound to are quite different…. what will happen??

Well…. I tell you , what happened….

I tried last night.

As long as I was in OC = ordinary consciousness, no problem drumming the way Bhola taught. Then quickly however the trance comes and to maintain it I drummed  about 180 to 200 beats a minute,. My question was, “How should I handle this drum and use these teachings.??

Crazzzzzzzy but true, I found myself in the courtyard of Swayambhunath!

Talking to the very Monkey, that is seen on our pictures sitting on the large bronze Varya.

Well…. That is probably, because just an hour before my little exercise I had written up that blog post and sorted in the appropriate pictures…. But that is, how it goes. The Monkey, whom back in Nepal I had fed some peanuts, “transmitted” in pictures and voice:

It is all Peanuts to me! (they were dropping onto the drum making the fast rhythmic sound…)

Ask the Goats! (The ones making up the Drum skin )They are happy you are not hanging them on the wall!”

Bhola’s head appeared on the shimmering light behind the Monkey. “Some people perform (being a shaman) some people drum (like a shaman) some people are …?????(a word that I did not understand, but it’s meaning was evident) and they fall of the (viewpoint over Kathmandu ) and fly away…….

The instant that was “transmitted” I felt myself whisked away and on the bushy Yak tail flew sirrrrrrrselllling through fast moving air, high over the city, through fast approaching dusk and night with shimmering lights below and then high across the hills and snowy mountains. I again was accompanied by a Being half a White Swan, half a –  this time young woman….. (One  of the Swan Maidens of my Ada’s culture…)

Eventually I ended up safe and sound on my own Reindeer fur at home…… Yes, and as soon as I was “sort of back there” I tried to remember, what to drum now and how to hold the drum and what not…. My brain was EMPTY!!!

I had to look it up in my notes but could not find them and when I did could not comprehend, what they meant…

Not right away anyway…

THAT however is a typical sign for a full Theta trance… At least for me…..

Sooo, what do you think?

Should I now go practice these specific rhythms and see where that leads? It would be interesting….

Or – should I just “fly”??

Will you now go and “test-drive” these rhythms – and tell us here, what you experienced???????

That would be nice!!!!!

And Yes, Bhola, if you ever read this, can you say, comment on this, add another piece to the puzzle?

Thanks! 🙂

A Nepali Drum for me :)

In our ritual room we discovered, that Bhola had drums for us to choose from 🙂

Nepali shaman's drum

Nepali double sided shaman’s drums.

There were several, but not for long…..

2 smaller ones were taken immediately.

I held out my left all feeling hand and – there was one that had A LOT of Power. 

No, Bhola said, that is my spare drum….

No wonder!

There was another one, that stood out, because it was all black and had a lower tone than toe 2 or 3 others. Actually that means, that the skin is just a little more loose…. In this weather – it had been raining buckets since the last 2 days; the Monsoon just not letting up this year…

but back to the drum: I will take this drum back to Canada, where we have to heat our homes for more than 7 month out of the year and although the humidity in summer sometimes is quite stifling, let’s face it, there is AC….. A very tight drum might not make it in a very dry environment….This one however felt just right and the wood the frame is constructed of was smooth and flawless. The carvings on each side of its phurba show 3 fierce Spirit faces as well as Spirit eyes and  tridents, the symbol for life, death and re-birth and spirals – Spiral of life…

Around the phurba each drum had red and white ribbons – for male and female energy

Each drum came with a beater, bend in a snake-like shape and was adorned with  a red cotton thread – for life.

Each drum also came with a modern bright blue goretex carrying case fit for the air plane home 🙂

Next Bhola talked  about the drums and here are his words:drums 2

Nepalese shaman’s drums (dhyangro) are double headed, and covered by animal hide the drums are made of special wood. The animal hide used nowadays is either mountain goat, deer or a domesticated goat or sheep. They also have a handle in the shape of a ritual dagger (often known in the West by it’s Tibetan name phurba) which has three sides to its blade, which in its three dimensional way represents all the cosmos.

On one side of this triangular bladed handle there is the beak of the regal Eagle, or perhaps an Owl or a Horse or a Thunderbolt or an Elephant. This is the male side of the drum, so when we hold the drum in front of our face, this male side should be facing outside.

The spirits hardly make any difference between a male and a female shaman, as the drum is the universal instrument used by both the sexes it makes no difference.

Some shamans respect the male and female sides of the drum, but some shamans don’t, it depends upon the instructions they have received from their teachers and the spirits. If the shaman works with the male and female sides of the drum differently, the male side is used in the beginning of a shaman’s ceremony to call in the spirits. The female side is used towards the end of the ceremony or ritual to send away the helping spirits.

The shaman starts to drum with a 1/4 beat [O O O O O O], during which they will observe their whole body to look for tensions, performing deep breathing in order to relax, They will then invite their spirits and ancestors in to help them, and make their intentions for the ceremony or healing clear. Suddenly the shaman’s drumming will change rhythm to a 4/4 beat [O o o o O o o o O o o o], during which the shaman starts feeling sensations of heat and cold in their body as the spirits come closer and start inspiring them.

When the body of the shaman starts to move and shake, or they start to dance, the rhythm of the drumming becomes very random.

Towards the end of the session the female side of the drum is used, and then the rhythm becomes a 3/4 beat [O o o O o o O o o]. During this time the shaman starts calming and slowing down, and eventually the beat changes to a 2/4 [O o O o O o O o] and eventually a 1/4 [O000 Oooo] before it comes to a stop.

As a welcome gift I presented my drum with a Peacock feather.

This is however only the first part of  what happened.

Stay tuned 😉

Journey to Ganesha:

Ganesha is the remover of obstacles and a VERY revered Spirit. Statues of him are EVERYWHERE!.
Richly decorated with red and yellow colour, Marigold Flowers and offerings of all kinds.

Bhola teaches: Tuesday is his day of honour, so this Tuesday we will journey to Ganesha.

Ganesha symbolism

Ganesha has another Animal as a means of movement: A little Mouse / Shrew!
I am reminded of a Cartoon with an Elephant and a Mouse…..
Shame on you, Mi-Shell!!
Be serious!

Read more about Ganesha here:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ganesha
Our next journey assignment was, to journey to Ganesha and ask him to remove an important obstacle in our life.

Hey, wait a minute, Bhola! It is just after lunch and I ate a WHOOOOLE LOT and ifffff I now lay down I am going to fall asleeeeeep!!!!!
This is not my personal best time for journeying. But never mind that. It is an excellent exercise to practice journeying in these condition, for a time and day when there is a client in need and it counts…..
So when Bhola starts drumming, off I go…..

The big parade!

That is, what I jotted down in my diary.
We were all there: ll my Miahanits, also, oh shock the pair of Tigers, sitting together, hissing in unison….
There was also the Rhino – and all the other Animal Spirits – the ones that were not chosen by one of the participants, when we were asked to choose our personal Animal Guide….
I was upset, seeing the mighty Rhino reduced to I lifeless clay figurine, because I did not choose it. I felt horrrrrrible and guilty …..
Fretty however was in full action: Mutte3ring loudly and digging around in some leave litter, tossing sticks, leaves and garbage here and there, until he grabbed something and pulled it out: A small Mouse with a rather un- Mouse-like short tail!
“Fretty, did you rip it of?”
Obviously not, because these 2 were becoming fast friends!
This Mouse and Fretty led us all along a dusty road……
All kinds of people, Spirits, Flowers and “stuff” drifted in and out of the scene….

Suddenly there was Ganesha sitting on sort of a painted pedestal. He was all green.
And HUUUUGE!
Ganesha however had a baseball bat like wooden stick.
All of a sudden he hit with this stick onto the clay Rhino and it scattered apart into large pottery shards. Out of these however came a small gnome, that uttered a barrage of nasty belligerent words and scurried off into the underbrush, dirt and garbage by the road side….
Ganesha spoke” See, these -(pointing into the direction of the disappearing midget) these create their own obstacles and identify themselves by all these obstacles! The more obstacles they have, the more important they consider themselves.”
I walked over to the scattered shards of the busted Rhino. “ And I,” I asked “ I did not choose you!
I touched one of the shards and >>Boooooom!
The Rhino was there again in full size and very much a living breathing Animal! 🙂

Good for you you did NOT choose that Rhino! See, what came out of it!
You would have gotten nothing but….. obstacles!

You deal with other people’s obstacles every day.”

He waved a large black tail of ?? hair??

He brushed me and the floor around all of us with that whisk….
then he said: “Go, get your own Rhino!
Now, go home!”
Oh yes, there was the call back!

Again I was flabbbbberghastered!

!!??!!

And yes, I got my own little Rhino!
At the pottery market in Bhagtapur one of our group friends saw a teeny tiny Rhino, just like the one in the Animal circle tray in the ritual room and – I got that as a little present.

It is the one now with my Nepali Shaman Altar things…..
Thank you, Devi!

.

green ganesha

Tomorrow is Tuesday!

What obstacles should Ganesha remove for you?
😉

Home across the Mountains

The next journey assignment Bhola gave us, is to re-connect with our ancestors.

Hold our little Ammonite in our hand….

Ammonite opened
…Lay down on our mats and listen to his ancestor calling chant…… and …. go…..

I went back into the Rhino cave.
The massive Rhino had turned to stone – or put more clearly: grey pottery. I walked between its legs into an Ammonite cave( a cave made up out of a Huuuuuuuuge blackish grey Ammonite.
Then all of a sudden the
Ammonite covered itself with rolling green meadows and scattered Aspen trees. A fertile valley, in its midst a little hill and a large encampment. A kurgan was being dug out/ into the hill and stabilized with tree trunks. A beautiful Horse was sacrificed and subsequently lowered into the open pit, ropes and saplings were used for that. I felt shock and ahw at being an uninvolved bystander of the proceedings.
All of a sudden Ee’ren Omsür was there!
( info: He is an Ancestral Clan protector for our whole Clan and also other related Uryanchai Clans. He is a Snow Leopard Spirit and a “hard” teacher, sometimes a trickster….)
Read more about him here:……..

https://shamanicdrumm.wordpress.com/2012/02/19/215/
So there he was, all nice!   …
Leading me away….

I walked on his left side and the landscape moved by quickly: Grass lands with Trees, rocky cliffs, sandy gravel, my right hand buried into the lush fur of his neck.
We walked and walked endlessly cliffs, up higher and higher, snow, ice, sleet and icy winds roaring by without touching me. Ice fields beneath foggy clouds, blinding sunlight and then glistening mountain peaks, then down again , endless, to gravelly rocky fields stretching to some forlorn forever mountains. Up and across these and down to sandy valleys with yellow grass, then more mountains, foggy lakes and icy heights… forever north east….
Home!
We were going HOME!
Yes, the rolling grass plains, a little soggy from countless rivulets cutting through it, tussocks, mosses, fine herbs.
– I KNOW this, I was here before… often!
Suddenly a shape appears, walks next to Ee’ren Omsür, on his right side.
Mausi!
My sister!
Shyly looking down….
Then more movement: Behind us my Ada (father) is walking, his high bend wood staff with his shaman bells, furs and Magpie feathers in his right fist.

Then another little Spirit reaches up for his free hand: Fietje, the little son he lost an aeon ago…… our little brother….
Going home!\
There was an encampment of tsartans. …. =(tipi- like hide tents)
Reindeer in the distance!
People coming up to meet us. All my Ancestors!
Mongush!
Moon Face too, along with the other s!
Mongush and Ada embrace in a greeting.
I am sooooo happy to see this, see them all!
I want……
….The whole valley suddenly turns dark, then transforms into a giant Ammonite.
Grey, stark but majestic!
Then, just as fast it transforms back into the green valley with grass and small stunted Birch Trees.
Callback……..
I am shocked!

Ada, Mausi and Fietje went on with the Ancestors, down towards the camp.
Ee’ren Omsür makes clear, I can not go.
I have to turn back.
I am the only one still alive…… the only working shaman in our family line…..
Yes, but my cousin!!
Where is she?? She is not here! Good, she is still in Kyzil!

Blessings to her!

I am on Ee’ren Omsur’s back and he runs!!!!!!
Flies across the tundra valley, into the foggy mountains, down into a desert of molten heat and blowing sand, then up again and into ice and blinding snow, gravel and dust, rain and sleet and – just the rain of Kathmandu.
We are back in the room and he lays down beneath the chair behind me, fades to smoke….
A. One of my Miahanits is there, clearly, licks my hand and I hear Bhola singing beautifully!
I am sooooooo moved!
What just happened!!!!!!

bluecateyesbig

?
How can I just sit up and talk about Ganesha right now? I can not…..
I go outside, have a good cry and then try to get it all together again so as not to miss too much of Bhola’s teaching…..

(I am still VERY moved, re- reading my scraggly notes and typing this now…..)